Ever since I started waking up early, it seems that its getting harder and harder for me to dream. And if I do dream, it gets hard to remember. I dunno. Maybe its just me, because I always wake up as if I’m in a hurry.
All I could remember from my dream last night has something to do with fire.
I wasn’t feeling very well today (Yes, even if its Valentines day, my mood gets so crap it ruins everything). I wasn’t able to edit or do anything else. I was just sitting the whole day, too absorbed in my own thoughts while I listen to Tibetan music on Youtube. It was a very unpleasant morning and I seriously thought I was the most miserable person in the world. My thoughts torture me so much. Then Bry refused to sleep until I was all smiley and giggly. He made so many silly faces just to make me smile. Maybe I’d still feel down if it weren’t for his boost.
Then, earlier this evening, I went out to meet the buyer of our house. I waited inside a small shopping center for quite a while because I arrived too early, thanks to my overpowering fear of running late. I was standing awkwardly at the corner, trying not to look too suspicious just so I won’t be mistaken as someone who carry a bomb. While at the same time, looking around for suspicious people too. Just being careful, really. I used to always looking down, avoiding people’s stares and not knowing who passes by me while loud music blasted into my ears. But ever since that time when some random dude said something to me (and I told Bry about it), he told me to drop the earphones, look up and look around. Observe who and what’s around me. Now I know who’s looking at me, and who’s not looking at me.
The center was almost packed with people. I could feel the Valentines day aura because of all the couples walking around — young and old — passing by. Roses everywhere along with other red stuff like small heart pillows.
When the buyer arrived (she’s a woman okay.), we chatted for a while, asking her stuff, what happened, and all that. It came to the point when we talked about her young daughter(?) who has babies now. And then she was like:
“Don’t get married yet, okay? Help your mommy first. Don’t get a boyfriend yet. Wait, do you have a boyfriend?”
And I was like:
And she was like:
It was like, she was thinking that what happened to her daughter (getting prego at an early age) will happen to me (and possibly to my sister too). I understand that she’s concerned because really, having a baby is no joke. If ever I get a baby, of course, I want to be all prepared; I don’t wanna have one “accidentally”. I would rather “expect” than wake up one day and “surprise!”. And I don’t plan on having one anytime soon. Anyway, we talked about Bry for a good minute or two asking how old is he, is he Filipino, where does he live, etc. etc. I told her what she wanted to know and I don’t really care because mom already knows.
After the talk, she would’ve treated me for dinner but I refused (because of reasons) but really, if she said “let’s eat something”, I would’ve said “sure” right away. But I felt a little shy and I considered the things she’d been through financially. So, we went to bet on the lottery before separating ways.
The one thing I am jealous of her was how she places everything on God’s hands, and here I am, losing my faith and sort of confused whether to still believe or not, or believe in nothing at all. So… I don’t know. I need more guidance spiritually.
And now, I’m home. I’m safe. Hopefully I can resume editing again tomorrow. Or drop by the embassy to follow-up my documents.